The hardest things to do are often the ones that force us against our comfort zone and make us look deeply at even our smallest life choices. The challenge is to accept that which we can not change and man does that hurt! When the going gets tough, they say, the tough get going. In my mind I joke… where do they go? …Will they bring me along? Cuz things are getting really tough.
But we all know that it really means, the tough jump into action and face the struggle head on. The only problem with that is …lots of our modern problems are not as immediate as a caveman’s run in with a dangerous animal and fight or flight will not sustain us through the storm. We need other tools in our kit, to sustain being tough through a long term medical treatment plan, through a divorce or custody battle, through a job search after being laid off after many years of service, through the learning of a new skill for a new technological world, through processing deep old emotions and hurt etc. Fight of flight can’t carry us through those.
I am a pro at immediate emergencies. My mind focuses, my body supports and my empathy is at an all time high.
BUT I am still learning how to deal with this long term stuff. It is way more challenging and I have a lot of work to do.
Here’s what I have learned so far:
Asking for help is more than OK, no one can do it alone.
Sharing responsibilities is a MUST. Find your team, your village, your tribe and work together.
Nothing is more powerful than a calm talk, where everyone listen with an open heart and considers all options.
AND THE ONE WE ALL FORGET…
You MUST take care of yourself while taking care of others. Take time to listen to your own body and mind and when you need a break take one. Meditate, stretch, breath, cry, talk to someone objective from outside of your village, write down your feelings, scream your feelings to the rooftops, draw your feelings, pint your feelings, sing your feelings, punch those feelings out into a pillow or chop some wood. JUST DON’T HOLD THEM INSIDE. They will get stuck in there and cause you bigger personal struggles down the road.
Pent up emotion comes back on us in many ways. It is not meant to be held in. Our face gets hot and we feel like we’ll explode for a reason. The reason is we need to let off some steam and explode a bit. Batting cages, punching bags, screaming, crying, dancing, drumming, throwing a little temper tantrum are all good and natural.
Children are born knowing how to express emotions. The cry when they are uncomfortable, hungry, hurt. They smile, laugh, dance and sing when they are happy. For some reason modern society decided to train that out of us. But the reality is that was the worst thing they could have done. No need to teach us to be tough. Teach us to ask for help, to speak our truth, to reveal our feelings in healthy ways and often. Teach us to be resilient, resourceful, respectful, empathetic and to love ourselves.
I have created the list below from personal experience.
Next time your are being truly challenged and feeling overwhelmed, STOP! Take a few long deep breaths and …
Ask yourself these questions:
How do I feel in my body right now? (Do a mental scan of your entire body top to bottom. Where there is tension, breath extra into that area and soften. Tighten and release the area several times to remind that spot what release feels like.)
How do I feel in my brain? (Is there a story or action or moment that I keep repeating over and over in my thoughts? If YES, close your eyes, breathe deeply and try to acknowledge the thought but don’t follow it. Let it float by like a leaf on a stream and find your focus on your breath, in and out. )
Have I eaten recently? (We forget sometimes when we are in helper mode. You need healthy food now more than ever. Go get some!)
Have I had a drink of water recently? (Again we forget sometimes, go get a water.)
Have I taken a little time to exercise? (NO, go for a walk, even if it is just around the house or down the hall. I find yard work to be an awesome place to release some pent up energy (get aggressive with those weeds), get a little exercise and check something off my to do list.)
Did I laugh or smile today? (Grab that device and pull up a video that makes you smile IMMEDIATELY, then call someone and talk about a subject unrelated to the struggle you are in. Ask them about their day and share in their successes. Call a kid and ask the to tell you a funny story or teach you a dance or riddle. You won’t be able to avoid at least a grin.)
Did I do one thing just for myself today? (Whatever you really like to do. Read. Draw. Walk. Watch a show/video. Listen to music. Run. Call a friend. Make something. Cook. Clean (haha I am probably the only one who finds this fun)